We have all heard about people so self-centered that they wonder how the world would manage to survive without them.

For others, narcissism may not run that deep.

But for each of us one of the most difficult-most important-things to learn and come to terms with is that the world does not simply revolve around any one of us.

Narcissist's cannot or will not think about other people. Healthy people grow our of their natural narcissism, a growth that can be accomplished only as they become more conscious and learn to consider others, and think about them more.

The essential of growth out of adolescent thinking into adult learning that builds on itself is to simply recognize the more we learn, the more conscious we become.

Narcissism, Needs for Certainty and Closure, and Relatedness

What feeds the psychological distress of our current political situation?

Narcissism exists as both a personality disorder and as a fundamental question of the human psyche: “Am I for others or for myself?”

Biologically, mammals (and not just mammals) are wired to care for offspring and at the very least, their “in-group.” Through our cultural and societal evolution, we have expanded our definition of “in-group” such that discrimination by race, gender, sexual orientation, and disability status are intolerable to most Americans, and are in fact prohibited by law. But the American social landscape seems to be at a turning point right now, with a polarization, at least at the leadership level, between those who have a narrow vision of the in-group, and those with broader concerns. It’s imperative for our survival as a nation that we understand our dances with narcissism and polarization from a psychological, and not simply a visceral, basis.

The terrible two's are a time when children take their first giant step out of infantile narcissism.

We do not know what causes people to fail to grow out of narcissism, but reasons to suspect that the failure begins in this vulnerable period of life, the terrible two's, which is an inevitable humiliating time.

It is the task of parents to be gentle with a child in that humiliation as much as realistically possible. Not all parents do this, however.

There are parents who, during the terrible two's and throughout a childhood, will do everything they can to humiliate their children beyond what is necessary for them to become humble.

Many mental heath professionals to this day still have an inkling that the failure to grow out of narcissism may be rooted in such excessive humiliation.

Mental Heath care Professionals additionally may suspect that children so deeply humiliated tend to begin clinging desperately to a self-centered world-view.

One reason for this is the they may literally feel as if they're holding on to dear life.

Narcissism is the only thing that provides a sense of security in an otherwise tumultuous period.

Since they have been shamed in such a way that their egos become incredibly fragile, they begin to equate their very survival with viewing life through a narcissistic frame of reference.

While it ids during the terrible twos that we take our first giant step out of infantile narcissism, that does not suggest by any means that it is the only and final step.

Indeed, a flare-up of narcissism can commonly be seen in adolescence-for example, when the adolescent never even stops to think that any other member of the family might need the car.

No, Self-Centeredness Is Killing America

A lack of empathy is at the root of our ills.

We are very, very self-centered and therefore we believe our own snuff. Racism, sexism/misognyny, gay hatred/homophobia, religious hatred—they all boil down to valuing one’s own group and perspective over another group’s rights and perspectives.

Daniel Goleman has demonstrated that emotional intelligence, including empathy, is a far better predictor of business success than IQ, competency, etc. Critical thinking, in other words, can only take you so far. It’s emotional intelligence that leads to success within organizations. He breaks down EI into self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills. Emotional intelligence and empathy can be taught and cultivated in children and adults, just as critical reasoning can be developed in the classroom and in life.

A story example from out of narcissism author to ponder. One morning, at the age of fifteen, I was walking down a road at my boarding school and spied a classmate fifty yards away. He was strolling toward me, and when we came abreast, we spoke to each other for five minutes and then went our separate ways. Fifty yards down the road, by God's grace, I was struck by a revelation. I suddenly realized that for the entire ten-minute period from when i first seen my acquaintance until that very moment, I had been totally self-preoccupied.

For the two or three minutes before we met, all I was thinking about was the clever things I might say that would impress him. During our five minutes together, I was listening to what he had to say only so that I might turn it into a clever rejoinder. I watched him only so that I might see what my remarks were having upon him.

And for those two or three minutes we separated, my sole thought was of those things I could have said that may have impressed him even more.

I had not cared a whit for my classmate. I had not even concerned myself with what his joys or sorrows might have been or what I could have said that might of made his life a little less burdensome. I had cared about him only as a foil for my wit and a minor for my glory. By the grace of God, it was not only revealed to me how self-centered and self-absorbed I was, but also how, if continued with that kind of consciousness, it would inevitably lead me into, a fearful,empty and lonely "maturity." So at 15 I began to do battle with my narcissism.

But that was just the beginning. Given the tenaciousness of our narcissism, its tentacles can be subtle and penetrating.

We must continue to hack away at them day by day, week after week, month after month, and year after year.

And there are all manors of pitfalls on the journey, such as being proud of how humble we become.

As I've grown in consciousness, naturally I'm learning to be less narcissistic and more empathetic toward other people. But in looking back, one of my regrets is how unempathetic I was with my own parents as they were aging.

It took my own personal struggles with the ageing process to better understand what my parents must have endured and now I feel a greater sense of kinship with them ever than before.

Learning my way out of narcissism has been the single greatest theme of my life, again looking back, marriage has been my greatest teacher.

In 'A World Waiting To Be Born', I wrote that because of my narcissism early in our relationship, it began to dawn on me only after two years of marriage that Lily might be something more than my appendage, something more than my "it.'

It was the friction in our relationship that opened my eyes. I found myself repeatedly annoyed at her for being away from home, shopping, at times when I needed when I needed her and equally annoyed at her for "pestering" me at home when I felt in need of solitude. Gradually I began to realize that most of my irritation was the result of a bizarre assumption in my mind.

I assumed that Lily should somehow be there for me whenever I wanted her, and not there whenever her presence was inconvenient.

Furthermore, I assumed that she should somehow not only know which time was which but also know it without having to tell her.

It was perhaps another decade before I was able to fully cure myself of that particular insanity.

But that was only the beginning.

One of the reasons my marriage to lily has survived is that we both, in our own way, are deeply considerate people. At first, however, our consideration was rather primitive and had more to do with our self-image than anything else.

We wanted to think of ourselves as good people, so we tried to be good.

Being good meant being considerate, and we knew the great rule of goodness or consideration was "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." So we tried very hard to treat each other the way we wanted to be treated. Only it did not work out very well because the reality is that Lily and I, like many couples, entered marriage as relatively mild narcissists. We were not like the 2:00 a.m. phone callers. We were exquisitely polite-but not yet wise, because we were operating under the narcissistic assumption that the other was just like us or else misguided.

What we eventually learned was that the Golden Rule is just the beginning. To grow, we had to learn to recognize and respect the otherness of each other.

Indeed, this is the advanced course of marriage, which teaches: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you were in their particular, unique, and different shoes. It is not easy learning.

After more that six decades of living, Lily and I are still learning it and sometimes we feel like beginners. We are learning that our differences create the spice of our marriage as well as the wisdom of it.

The expression "Two heads are better than one" would be meaningless if both heads were exactly the same. Because Lily's and my heads are so different, when we put them together-as we've done in child-raising, money management, the planning of vacations, and the like-the outcome is invariably wiser than if either of us had acted alone.

So growing out of narcissism allows the process known as collaboration, in which people labor together with wits as well as brawn.

Educational book share: The Road Less Traveled and Beyond - Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety by M.Scott Peck, M.D.